High Emotions in Aldi

An interaction I had with a fellow shopper in the local Aldi supermarket had been playing on my mind. 

I was not necessarily cross but I was frustrated enough that I couldn't seem to let it go for a significant amount of time afterwards. 

It had all started when I had duly waited my turn in the checkout queue to return an item that I had bought earlier in the day. I thought this would be a straightforward return and exchange but unfortunately a form had to be filled in before the exchange of chocolate coated rice-cakes could take place. My initial thought, from someone who tries not to be a bother to anyone, was that I was holding everyone up in the queue behind me. My natural instinct to apologise for everything kicked in. I turned to the lady behind me and said "Oh dear, I'm sorry, now I seem to be holding everyone up" It was immediately clear from her verbal response and her body language that she was not happy at all with the inconvenience.

Slightly shocked I could immediately feel my body going into the fight or flight response - I could feel the adrenaline rushing as my hands started to shake. However, anyone looking on would have observed me to be calm, confident and not at all undeterred by the interaction. In my concern, that other people felt the same frustration, I mouthed the word sorry to the the lady further behind in the queue who in return kindly smiled and nodded. Quickly after the rice-cake exchange took place and polite thank yous were given I left the shop. The interaction was so brief I doubt anyone would have noticed however, it was playing on my mind.

As I was driving away I was aware of my thoughts as I was replaying the interaction in my head. On one end of the scale I felt hurt that someone I didn't know could upset me in public and wondered why the response from this person had been so negative when the response from the lady behind her was kind and reassuring - why did she have to be so rude? Especially when I had been so happy, heartily singing along to the radio in the car not 5 minutes earlier. Why couldn't she have shown me kindness too? Should I have said something? Why didn't I say something? However, on the other end of the scale my thoughts were telling me that the persons response was more about how she was feeling at the time and I had indeed done the right thing by letting it go. She must have been having a bad day? Maybe I was going to make her late for an appointment? Maybe she was unwell? Yes I was right, I needed to be kind. 

Funnily enough, earlier that morning while scrolling online I saw and saved a link to a Ted Talk that I thought I would find interesting titled "You aren't at the mercy of your emotions - your brain creates them". The premise being that we have more control over our emotions than we think. Emotions are not hardwired reactions that are uncontrollable. Our emotions are based on guesses or predictions that our brain constructs in the moment that are based on our past experience. Lisa Feldman Barett claimed that emotions that happen to you are made by you and we can teach our brain to predict differently which will change our behavioural response and enable us to be the architect of our own experience. This means we are responsible for our own emotions and although not easy, with significant time and practice we can learn to have more control over our emotions and subsequent behaviours which can lead to more positive health and well-being. (Felman Barett 2017) 

As I watched and listened to the Ted talk later in the day I couldn't help but make reference to my own emotions and response during the interaction in the store earlier that day. Although I was able to rationalise a more tolerant and understanding response to the situation I still felt hurt and mildly irritated when I later replayed the scenario in my head. Was I being overly sensitive? To me the emotions I felt seemed like they were automatic, like my brain was hardwired to feel this way in response to the situation. 

Working in early years and being ACE aware (Adverse Childhood Experience) it made me think how difficult it can be for many children, young people and adults who grow up with varying degrees of adversity and resulting toxic stress to have control over these emotions. Especially if our emotions are constructed by ourselves in the moment through predictions based on past experiences. Although what is reassuring is research does show that over time and in supportive relationships we can work on building resilience which will help us learn to self-regulate our emotions (and behaviour as a consequence) however this needs time, support, patience and tolerance. 

This needs to start in the early years through positive relationships with significant others and continue into adulthood with strategies designed to support emotional self-regulation to mitigate the affects of adversity. Further discussion with my Early Years colleague highlighted the importance of allowing children the opportunity to experience risk in play, particularly the type of thrilling, risky play inspired by the outdoors (climbing, balancing, jumping, going fast, using tools, building fires) which can in itself help children to develop resilience by learning to deal with emotions such as anxiety, fear, stress but in a safe, reassuring environment. We need to allow children the freedom to take risks in their interactions with others. To do this we need to step back and give children the opportunity to sort out difficult social interactions for themselves, enabling them to learn valuable life skills such as compromise and negotiation, better equipping them for such challenges in the future. 

I'm happy that an inconsequential interaction in a local checkout queue inspired me to think a bit more deeply about our emotions, our behaviours, how they affect ourselves and others. But more importantly to consider how we can promote the development of resilience and emotional self-regulation in early years.

I'm sure the lady was just having one of those days (as we all do) and if she were to pass me in the street I have no doubt she would smile at me and I would smile back.